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I fear that there is a climate disaster affecting New Jersey, specifically. How else can we explain the levels of pure heat currently radiating from its borders? Turn on your television on a Tuesday night, and you too will see that the high temperatures that science formerly thought the human body could withstand have been smashed to smithereens by the cast members of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. You could fry an egg on the skin of any person on this show.
Now, believe me, I know that’s nothing new. I’ve seen all 12 fully aired seasons of RHONJ several times. These women have been known for their all-over crispy suntans since day one. Melissa Gorga’s husband, Joe, brother to Teresa Giudice, even once had a promotional campaign for a local tanning salon. That salon? Sizzle Tans. Appropriate, since sizzling is what will happen to your skin if you don’t wear those protective volcanic suits, like the couple from Fire of Love, if you go within 50 feet of that man.
But in Season 13, something is different. These women and men have no longer just been kissed by the sun, they look like they woke up next to it after too many vodka cranberries and a taste of Jersey’s finest, airhorn-filled club music. In short: They are no longer tan, they are fully red.